i wish you knew how to love. and not when i have to beg for it.

i'm such an idiot. falling in love. what a waste. i used to want to do so much, and now i have nothing. because i've wasted all my time with this stupid love. I dont have much will left, my body hurts so much and its hurting my mind. i think i have trust and really i have nothing. you cant believe anyone and when they tell you something the next time you ask about it it's something completely different. no one keeps their word and the few who do get their hearts broken. i'm trying so hard to be positive, and i thought i was doing great for the last while, but then i realize i'm nothing.. just another hole in the world. a big empty hole that continues to suffer and hurt. i try my hardest to see the positive out there, think i've even grasped it as close as i could, but i'm nothing. they say they love you, and they say all these things but really its nothing, just them using you to get what they want. it doesn't matter how hard you try to help them, when you need help its all your fault. people keep too many secrets, and when you ask for honesty its just more lies. I'm so tired of all of it, tired of my heart aching and not being able to breath properly, tired of hurting physically and mentally, i'm tired of how horrible this world is and how horrible we are to each other, i wish people did what they said they were going to, followed through with the good in life. I'm so tired of all the evil in the world, there are so many people who want to do good but in the end can't because the people in control have lied so much that now they just want to watch their backs, keep their name good. well what about keeping the world good. making it a good place. we were raised to see the world as a good positive place, when really we all just stab each other in the back. even reading backwards in this all i see is how miserable i am and have been, i've wanted to die since i was a little girl, i've been scared of this world for so long and tried my hardest to be strong but im not, i'm a fuckup. i try to do what i want, do artwork and express myself to the fullest, but whenever i do it just ends up hurting me more in the end. i've tried so hard to try to find a purpose, and once i think i've found one its just using me. thats all we do in this world, is use each other and hurt each other. hoping that we'll get closer to what we want. well i want happiness, i want the world to be happy but thats never going to happen, because this is a miserable place and we are all miserable people. no matter how uppity and happy you may seem deep in the bottom doesnt your heart ache? isn't it hard to sleep? breath? and the things that have helped it in the short term seem good for a while, but in the end its all just heartbreak and will just hurt you further.. i want it to end, i want to be happy and i want everyone else to.. i can't make them happy, but maybe the world would be less painful if i werent in it, it wouldnt hurt me anymore... and i know it sounds selfish but i dont want to hurt like this anymore.. my heart aches, and my breathing is painful, my head hurts constantly and so does a lot of my body, and my head just tortures me with dreams and hopes that i dont think i'll ever succeed at. i've set myself up for failure, all those dreams that lead to nothing, i have no potential and what little potential others see in me i see as nothing but a trait. i try my hardest with my art but in the end everyone has always been better, fine art was demolished by my sister, jewelry by friends and mother, doctorate ruined by father and cousin, and being loved was ruined by myself. i want to succeed in something, but once i feel i'm on the right track i get shot off it, because apparently i'm doing it all wrong.. i give everything i can to this world to make it an honest and true place, but in the end it has just come back to slap me in the face and push me in the mud. i'm so tired of trying and it ending up hurting me, i think i've found something grand but truly, its just twisting me and lying to me. i've no one to talk to anymore, and when i do talk to people i dont want them thinking i'm insane or something, because i'm not. i'm just in pain and tired of the worlds bullshit. and i've been trying to make it better for a long time, because i dont want to be unhappy, i dont want to suffer like this, and i dont want others to suffer because of me. i can't ever do anything right. i thought i was doing so well, but really i'm so far from being right, i'm just hurting myself and others and it hurts me. i'm so tired, and i dont want the hurt anymore, its painful, and its too much for me.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.. I'm just so fucked in the world already, and by nature it keeps coming. I'm so tired of hurting, myself and others.. And just watching everyone in the world constantly saying theyre going to make a difference, but in the end we all hurt. I've been trying so hard to get my shit together, and I thought I was doing well but here I am again, wanting to die. Such a vicious cycle, I'm so tired of the world, my body aches and hurts so much and I'm still so young. I never know what to do or how to do it right. I've become too accustom to being hurt or walked all over, and hurting others, as well as too comfortable with death, I'm beginning to unserstand how someone can welcome death, I now view it as an opening, a freedom from all of this, a gateway to other realities. for some reason or another it scares me, others I feel as though I almost long for it, the question is just when.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.. I'm just so fucked in the world already, and by nature it keeps coming. I'm so tired of hurting, myself and others.. And just watching everyone in the world constantly saying theyre going to make a difference, but in the end we all hurt. I've been trying so hard to get my shit together, and I thought I was doing well but here I am again, wanting to die. Such a vicious cycle, I'm so tired of the world, my body aches and hurts so much and I'm still so young. I never know what to do or how to do it right.

i feel so wrong for being in love. i want him and love him more than anything and he wants all these other people. he tells me that we're not together because i flip out too much, the only reason i get upset is because of some action he's done, and once he's worked up and i'm calm he wont stop until im worked up and needing to leave. it's always when i'm about to go somewehre. and then when i return eh wont have anything ot do with me. he calls me dumbbitch stupid and all sorts of things, has spat on me. and i call him an asshole once and tell him how mcuh i dont want to call him that and he flips even more. if you dont want to be called something dont call other people things that arent true. i want to give up. i need to try to give up.

ive loved tim and only tim for three years and now that hes still living here in my house he's trying to hook up with someone else already... while all i do is tell him how much he means to me and how much i love him. im so fucking stupid.

i don't know why i do anything anymore, everything i do is wrong even though ive been so productive and gotten so far, im making more money than ever but for some reason i cant keep him happy. i cant even tell him hes my lucky everything on a comment page. i just fuck everything up.

mt.

back with boots. sometimes i feel terrible. i need someone in my head to tell me what to do, and encourage me not to think things. a lot of the time i feel like just ripping open my arms, pressing my face onto the stove, or diving into the driveway from my window. everythings my fault.

i have to go.

i totally bought a new bra with the gift card tim gave me for my birthday last year.

bright white
remember to breath
darkness
fade into bright white again
colors from white
brightness
whered my body go
ring on
ring off
ring on
drink water
where am i
ring off
drink water
moving limbs to see if they're there
watch the limbs
why cant you feel them?
bright lights of the facility
geometric crosses on the walls
constant 3d ceiling moving
changing of colours
whered the wall go?
whered the door go?
lines riveting making new shapes
ring on
ring off
drink water
stand up
wobble into wall that wasnt there
collapse to the floor
why am i soaking wet?
remember to breath
i want it to end
panic hits
watch the little people that are the carpet working.
mining down beside the couch
watch the scientists through the wall that isnt there
remember to breath
where'd the scientists go
pet floyd the constant til he walks to another
panic fades
who are these people through the wall that isnt there
watch the carpet people mine more.
watch as tim picks up part of the land
the people fall, most dont get up
the remaining return to mining and caving
look up at the people
look down at the carpet people
the brightness fades to every colour even ones im not sure how to describe
the 3d crosses slowly fade
the ceiling stills but is still coloured and 3d
the black crosses on the walls disappear
the door returns aswell as the wall
the carpet people slowly stop their work
only to disappear back to carpet
the ceiling remains 3d
the colours fade to normal
the last of the carpet people disappear
the ceiling slowly fades back to beige and still
i want to go back.
i want to know what they were wanting from me.

kiah passed boots' grandfather passed my cousin got married leas mom had a heart attack and stroke

kiah passed boots' grandfather passed my cousin got married leas mom had a heart attack and stroke

its hard to help people who ask for it but when you give it to them they get mad. its hard to watch people you love not accept the help your offering when it involves quality of life.

i want to die so badly.

ernest killed himself two days before i had planned to do it.

i've discovered im not going to be anything for anyone for a while. i dont know i feel so lonely that i kind of ended up wasting time with things and people. i was trippin out in powell county and slept with someone and realized in the night that i wasnt going to be anything to him but a small fuck and a bag of bud. and then on the drive home i realized i have a very bad habit about lying to people about how i feel because i dont want anyone to worry about me. they need to focus on themselves not me. but i need to think about me some more. find myself and maybe someone to encourage me. a wonderful drunk scrambling rant.

all is well.

well. so its a new year. i feel lonely. even though i have zack. i feel more depressed because i came back from florida. got to see him but he doesnt really come near me and i feel empty and cold and want someone to hold me. i want it to be better. i want to be happy. and i want him here. with me.

fuck people who make bets.

its hard to love someone when you believe and know so hard that you want to hate them. (does that make sense?) harder when your lonely too and you wish they would notice you. its hardest when you want to hate someone but its near impossible to love because they have hurt you in a way no one but you can see (happens to me lately). wish that someone would love you the way you want to love someone back. hard when you are near impossible to love because you push people away from you. hard to be loved when you are afraid to let people near you because you dont want to be hurt anymore.

so i've recently adapted a stalker. it began at the skatepark and continued. i was followed walking to rochelles house two days ago and told i was hot and asked if someone could touch my butt. and ofcourse. being completely sane i said no. and today he followed me again and talked to me and i said i liked girls to get him away. wow. dumbass.

now that im single and alone and everuything is falling apart i feel empty and thta i need someone here with me and i need somene to talk to but i dont know who because i dont have anyone to talk to. and i kind of wish i hadnt fucked up my life. because id be with someone. i dont want ot be with zack though. i feel uncomfortable with him around me because hes my ex and i dont want to care about him and i dont because he made a fuckin bet that i was going to be with someone else by the end of the week when i am still alone right now. nonetheless grounded. but i wish i could just yell at him or beat the fuck out of him. but i know i couldnt hurt him. but i want to keep people happy and i kno that i feel selfish and codependent because im talking about how lonely i am probably sounding emo as fuck but im not going to do anything and if i did it wouldnt be anything but me going to sleep.

so ive lost myself. and im not sure how im going to regain myself so i guess i'm just going to write and explain everything in my head even though i know no one reads this so yeah. but i dont want to be around people like liz and rochelle because around them i feel insecure and whatnot. but i love liz to death but when i tripped with her it wasnt that fun. but yeah. zack i love so much and care about him but around him i feel like im not enough or that im just kind of there and i feel like im a lampshade just there for no reason really. but i still care about him and i wish that i could talk to him without having to worry about what i say because i want to care about him and i know that i feel selfish by saying this but everyone else around me in a relationship feels special about themselves because their boyfriends give them things and hold their hands and kiss them and hug them and make them laugh and then theres me and i dont feel special i just feel like any other girl out there but i know i have a amazing boyfriend and i want to make him feel special but how do you make someone feel good about themselves when you dont feel good about yourself. and i want to just hold him and love him and make him feel amazing about himself but i dont feel like i can do that because i dont feel like im getting the appreciation i need because i work hard to find ways to make him happy but is he trying to make me happy? doesnt seem like it. it used to be i was ahappy whenever i was wtith him but now when im with him im just like now we're going over to mcgills to watch him drink and watch counter strike or tv. and now that i dont hate drinking i'm drinking more than everyone else. like right now. who just went and took a shot and stole a beer? i dunno......... neva. but yeah. i've been drinking a lot more than i generally do. in fact. i never used to drink. but you know what. guess what genevas other favourite passed time is. pot.. i mean drinking. fuck. sorry the surreal life has strippers. that was exciting. i know i need to find myself but im truly not sure how. i need to find myself but i knew myself more when i was with him a long time ago. i dont want to think that him and i are passed talking because we shouldnt be because we didnt even ever talk. when i get off my period i'm going to go over there and just spill everything. its not going to be easy but i need to try my hardest even if it means telling the truth about everything and tell him how i feel about everything and tell him how much i love him and whatnot. but yeah. thats about it.

i'm alive.

heaven is a mystery. and hell is an everyday thing. life is unrealty. ignorance is bliss.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.

Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now? Jeff Melvion Just because you love someone doesnt mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds. Hugh Elliott There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Quote: And in my eyes my tears are dry, Ive lost my
mind, my hearts bound, to the darkness in the
ground. You hide insane . You believe that you people are
to blame for everything and though thats
technically right its not all. People stay away
from you because they fear you. You scare
people and you know and love it. You think that
the world is just one big hell and it needs to
end. You want people to see it too. They lable
you as crazy. But what do they know. People do
not believe you and hardly ever come near you.
It saddens you that they would hurt you. You
believe that you deserve this. That you've done
something wrong. You probably hate yourself.
You may hear voices or see things or even be
able to sense things before they happen(I can
do that sometimes) and for that they label you
crazy and scary. But they just can't understand
you. You are special and very cool. Don't let
anyone say differently. Just becuase they don't
understand you they ignore you. But one day
someone will come along and be your friend,
they will understand you. I know they will
come. Hopefully things get better

~We all hide something from the world...What do you hide~(with beautiful dark pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
Take the quiz: "What Kind Of Morbid Are You?(Pics+Plz Rate)"

Psycho Morbid
Your biggest dream is to kill. It's on your mind 24/7. Everything reminds you of murder. You're a modern day Jack The Ripper.
Take the quiz: "what kinda gun fits u best?"

Mossberg Shotgun
ur hard, gangsta, gutta, grimey and u plain old just dont give a fuck....sumtimes u get a trigger happy, but only when ur high and drunk, or just drunk

FUCK.

do you ever get those fucked up days where everything isnt going your way and you can wish something over and over in your mind and hope so hard for something or someone to happen/come. but you know your just setting yourself up for failure. and then near the end of the day after all of that hoping you just feel like shit and as if you could just fall asleep or shoot yourself right between the eyes. and when you get what you want you dont exactly know why you hoped so much when you know whatever it is will only hurt you bc they cant read your mind and do what you want. there is no goddamn god-mode on earth. if only there fuckin were though. everyone would find their own happiness. and wed all just sit around and drink lemonade and smoke pot. no one would give a shit and no one would get hurt and so nobody dies. and when inspiration hits you, you feel too lazy to go get a pen and write it all down. when you know you just fuckin know once you do get up. its gone. it will be gone and youll try to remember but it wont come back to you ever. and when you know that sometihng isnt going to happen but you try so hard to convince yourself that it will, your just setting yourself up for failure. you just know that once you get what you want you wont know what to do next and when you thikn of what to do its too goddamn late. once you decide that you want to forget, youve become too goddamn attached to let go and when you finally do let go, your already fucked over. you wont get your loved one to come and you wont ever be completely happy, you wont be a multi millionaire unless you invent something even better than velcro. and you wont even be happy then. you wont understand which people actually care about you and which are just there for your money. all we need is a shelter, food, water, and someone who loves us. shelter food and water are easily obtained. but the loved one. thats the perplexed part in life. why cant people not worry about themselves as much and just be themselves bc someone out there will love them for who they are. not for their money not for their looks and not for any of the goddamn materialistic things. a 15 year old can be wiser than a goddamn 30 year old. they understand the perplexed part of life but youth brings mroe thoughts, more questions. whne you are raised you are taught to ask questions and when you dont, well when you dont you just grow up like the rest of the goddamn sheep and corpses out there. so open your goddamn eyes and realize that you shouldnt get your hopes up and dont EVER become attached to items, and sometimes people. unless you know they will be with you and be able to trust them with everything.

+
big blue leg cast. fuck you cars and ex boyfriends. i should become a lesbian.

well, ive had a boyufriend for 2 1/2 months. and yeah atleast i think that long... thats how long alex said. i love alex, her and i are married. yeah shes my lippian lover

well... still at catholic, i hate it, im going to lafayette mnext semester. go me.

im a fuck up.

adopt your own virtual pet!

im so bored... i wrote a ballad to pigs earlier for Cinderella Was A Whore. the band jenna and i are forming... hopefully it actually happens... im so bored aswell. i have a headache, and my back hurts, its my last day in florida. the song is pretty good...

Ballad to The Pigs

What's your idea of fun?
chasing kids with guns?
smashing pumpkins on the sidewalks?
well i dont know all your codes,
but a 10-32 and a 10-80 wont stop me,
and call your 10-103f and 11-46 over here
maybe we'll be questioned
maybe we'll fuckin flee
I'm sorry but your time has expired
just because we are loud and obscene
doesnt give you the right
to call a motherfuckin 187 on drunk
we arent disturbing the peace,
where is this fucking peace anyways?
just doing our motherfuckin jobs
what more do you want from me?
a social security number
fuck you and your 966
for im no mental case
just fuck the pigs
and all of you
just to put you
in your place.

.. .. .. .. my true loves^

im officially bruised.... my back is bruised and my fore arms and my hips... lets just say my brain is bruised... surfing gets me... it hurts sometimes... were watching made... i was in the ocean for like 5 hours and i feel like im still in the ocean. my body feels the waves... i cant wait to get back.. i want to see zack. i miss all of them.

ive updated... again. im in florida so ive nothing to do but sit on the computer all day... the sun is too hot.. and im scared of getting burnt.... i already have bruises from surfing... and i almost fell off the 11th floor balcony...