i totally bought a new bra with the gift card tim gave me for my birthday last year.
bright white
remember to breath
darkness
fade into bright white again
colors from white
brightness
whered my body go
ring on
ring off
ring on
drink water
where am i
ring off
drink water
moving limbs to see if they're there
watch the limbs
why cant you feel them?
bright lights of the facility
geometric crosses on the walls
constant 3d ceiling moving
changing of colours
whered the wall go?
whered the door go?
lines riveting making new shapes
ring on
ring off
drink water
stand up
wobble into wall that wasnt there
collapse to the floor
why am i soaking wet?
remember to breath
i want it to end
panic hits
watch the little people that are the carpet working.
mining down beside the couch
watch the scientists through the wall that isnt there
remember to breath
where'd the scientists go
pet floyd the constant til he walks to another
panic fades
who are these people through the wall that isnt there
watch the carpet people mine more.
watch as tim picks up part of the land
the people fall, most dont get up
the remaining return to mining and caving
look up at the people
look down at the carpet people
the brightness fades to every colour even ones im not sure how to describe
the 3d crosses slowly fade
the ceiling stills but is still coloured and 3d
the black crosses on the walls disappear
the door returns aswell as the wall
the carpet people slowly stop their work
only to disappear back to carpet
the ceiling remains 3d
the colours fade to normal
the last of the carpet people disappear
the ceiling slowly fades back to beige and still
i want to go back.
i want to know what they were wanting from me.
kiah passed
boots' grandfather passed
my cousin got married
leas mom had a heart attack and stroke
kiah passed
boots' grandfather passed
my cousin got married
leas mom had a heart attack and stroke
its hard to help people who ask for it but when you give it to them they get mad. its hard to watch people you love not accept the help your offering when it involves quality of life.
ernest killed himself two days before i had planned to do it.
i've discovered im not going to be anything for anyone for a while. i dont know i feel so lonely that i kind of ended up wasting time with things and people. i was trippin out in powell county and slept with someone and realized in the night that i wasnt going to be anything to him but a small fuck and a bag of bud. and then on the drive home i realized i have a very bad habit about lying to people about how i feel because i dont want anyone to worry about me. they need to focus on themselves not me. but i need to think about me some more. find myself and maybe someone to encourage me.
a wonderful drunk scrambling rant.
well. so its a new year. i feel lonely. even though i have zack. i feel more depressed because i came back from florida. got to see him but he doesnt really come near me and i feel empty and cold and want someone to hold me. i want it to be better. i want to be happy. and i want him here. with me.
fuck people who make bets.
its hard to love someone when you believe and know so hard that you want to hate them. (does that make sense?) harder when your lonely too and you wish they would notice you. its hardest when you want to hate someone but its near impossible to love because they have hurt you in a way no one but you can see (happens to me lately). wish that someone would love you the way you want to love someone back. hard when you are near impossible to love because you push people away from you. hard to be loved when you are afraid to let people near you because you dont want to be hurt anymore.
so i've recently adapted a stalker. it began at the skatepark and continued. i was followed walking to rochelles house two days ago and told i was hot and asked if someone could touch my butt. and ofcourse. being completely sane i said no. and today he followed me again and talked to me and i said i liked girls to get him away. wow. dumbass.
now that im single and alone and everuything is falling apart i feel empty and thta i need someone here with me and i need somene to talk to but i dont know who because i dont have anyone to talk to. and i kind of wish i hadnt fucked up my life. because id be with someone. i dont want ot be with zack though. i feel uncomfortable with him around me because hes my ex and i dont want to care about him and i dont because he made a fuckin bet that i was going to be with someone else by the end of the week when i am still alone right now. nonetheless grounded. but i wish i could just yell at him or beat the fuck out of him. but i know i couldnt hurt him. but i want to keep people happy and i kno that i feel selfish and codependent because im talking about how lonely i am probably sounding emo as fuck but im not going to do anything and if i did it wouldnt be anything but me going to sleep.
so ive lost myself. and im not sure how im going to regain myself so i guess i'm just going to write and explain everything in my head even though i know no one reads this so yeah. but i dont want to be around people like liz and rochelle because around them i feel insecure and whatnot. but i love liz to death but when i tripped with her it wasnt that fun. but yeah. zack i love so much and care about him but around him i feel like im not enough or that im just kind of there and i feel like im a lampshade just there for no reason really. but i still care about him and i wish that i could talk to him without having to worry about what i say because i want to care about him and i know that i feel selfish by saying this but everyone else around me in a relationship feels special about themselves because their boyfriends give them things and hold their hands and kiss them and hug them and make them laugh and then theres me and i dont feel special i just feel like any other girl out there but i know i have a amazing boyfriend and i want to make him feel special but how do you make someone feel good about themselves when you dont feel good about yourself. and i want to just hold him and love him and make him feel amazing about himself but i dont feel like i can do that because i dont feel like im getting the appreciation i need because i work hard to find ways to make him happy but is he trying to make me happy? doesnt seem like it. it used to be i was ahappy whenever i was wtith him but now when im with him im just like now we're going over to mcgills to watch him drink and watch counter strike or tv. and now that i dont hate drinking i'm drinking more than everyone else. like right now. who just went and took a shot and stole a beer? i dunno......... neva. but yeah. i've been drinking a lot more than i generally do. in fact. i never used to drink. but you know what. guess what genevas other favourite passed time is. pot.. i mean drinking. fuck. sorry the surreal life has strippers. that was exciting.
i know i need to find myself but im truly not sure how. i need to find myself but i knew myself more when i was with him a long time ago. i dont want to think that him and i are passed talking because we shouldnt be because we didnt even ever talk. when i get off my period i'm going to go over there and just spill everything. its not going to be easy but i need to try my hardest even if it means telling the truth about everything and tell him how i feel about everything and tell him how much i love him and whatnot. but yeah. thats about it.
heaven is a mystery. and hell is an everyday thing. life is unrealty. ignorance is bliss.
"Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real life." Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of. Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. Like anyone else, there are days I feel beautiful and days I don't, and when I don't, I do something about it. The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw. The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels. Silence is a text easy to misread. Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose. Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. In a mad world only the mad are sane. Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.
To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others. To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. There is no remedy for love but to love more. Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things. The worst sin - perhaps the only sin - passion can commit, is to be joyless.
Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now? Jeff Melvion
Just because you love someone doesnt mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds. Hugh Elliott
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche
Quote: And in my eyes my tears are dry, Ive lost my
mind, my hearts bound, to the darkness in the
ground.
You hide insane . You believe that you people are
to blame for everything and though thats
technically right its not all. People stay away
from you because they fear you. You scare
people and you know and love it. You think that
the world is just one big hell and it needs to
end. You want people to see it too. They lable
you as crazy. But what do they know. People do
not believe you and hardly ever come near you.
It saddens you that they would hurt you. You
believe that you deserve this. That you've done
something wrong. You probably hate yourself.
You may hear voices or see things or even be
able to sense things before they happen(I can
do that sometimes) and for that they label you
crazy and scary. But they just can't understand
you. You are special and very cool. Don't let
anyone say differently. Just becuase they don't
understand you they ignore you. But one day
someone will come along and be your friend,
they will understand you. I know they will
come. Hopefully things get better
~We all hide something from the world...What do you hide~(with beautiful dark pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
Take the quiz: "What Kind Of Morbid Are You?(Pics+Plz Rate)"
Psycho Morbid
Your biggest dream is to kill. It's on your mind 24/7. Everything reminds you of murder. You're a modern day Jack The Ripper.
Take the quiz: "what kinda gun fits u best?"
Mossberg Shotgun
ur hard, gangsta, gutta, grimey and u plain old just dont give a fuck....sumtimes u get a trigger happy, but only when ur high and drunk, or just drunk
FUCK.
do you ever get those fucked up days where everything isnt going your way and you can wish something over and over in your mind and hope so hard for something or someone to happen/come. but you know your just setting yourself up for failure. and then near the end of the day after all of that hoping you just feel like shit and as if you could just fall asleep or shoot yourself right between the eyes. and when you get what you want you dont exactly know why you hoped so much when you know whatever it is will only hurt you bc they cant read your mind and do what you want. there is no goddamn god-mode on earth. if only there fuckin were though. everyone would find their own happiness. and wed all just sit around and drink lemonade and smoke pot. no one would give a shit and no one would get hurt and so nobody dies. and when inspiration hits you, you feel too lazy to go get a pen and write it all down. when you know you just fuckin know once you do get up. its gone. it will be gone and youll try to remember but it wont come back to you ever. and when you know that sometihng isnt going to happen but you try so hard to convince yourself that it will, your just setting yourself up for failure. you just know that once you get what you want you wont know what to do next and when you thikn of what to do its too goddamn late. once you decide that you want to forget, youve become too goddamn attached to let go and when you finally do let go, your already fucked over. you wont get your loved one to come and you wont ever be completely happy, you wont be a multi millionaire unless you invent something even better than velcro. and you wont even be happy then. you wont understand which people actually care about you and which are just there for your money. all we need is a shelter, food, water, and someone who loves us. shelter food and water are easily obtained. but the loved one. thats the perplexed part in life. why cant people not worry about themselves as much and just be themselves bc someone out there will love them for who they are. not for their money not for their looks and not for any of the goddamn materialistic things. a 15 year old can be wiser than a goddamn 30 year old. they understand the perplexed part of life but youth brings mroe thoughts, more questions. whne you are raised you are taught to ask questions and when you dont, well when you dont you just grow up like the rest of the goddamn sheep and corpses out there. so open your goddamn eyes and realize that you shouldnt get your hopes up and dont EVER become attached to items, and sometimes people. unless you know they will be with you and be able to trust them with everything.
+
big blue leg cast. fuck you cars and ex boyfriends. i should become a lesbian.
well, ive had a boyufriend for 2 1/2 months. and yeah atleast i think that long... thats how long alex said. i love alex, her and i are married. yeah shes my lippian lover
well... still at catholic, i hate it, im going to lafayette mnext semester. go me.
im a fuck up.
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im so bored... i wrote a ballad to pigs earlier for Cinderella Was A Whore. the band jenna and i are forming... hopefully it actually happens... im so bored aswell. i have a headache, and my back hurts, its my last day in florida. the song is pretty good...
im officially bruised.... my back is bruised
and my fore arms and my hips... lets just say my brain is bruised... surfing gets me... it hurts sometimes... were watching made... i was in the ocean for like 5 hours and i feel like im still in the ocean. my body feels the waves... i cant wait to get back.. i want to see zack. i miss all of them.
ive updated... again. im in florida so ive nothing to do but sit on the computer all day... the sun is too hot.. and im scared of getting burnt.... i already have bruises from surfing... and i almost fell off the 11th floor balcony...
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